Showing posts with label Candid Bridges. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Candid Bridges. Show all posts

Monday, December 29, 2008

HAPPY and PEACEFUL new year, humbugs !



The Holidays always make me feel like an alien - everyone is getting ready to have guests over, buying gifts like mad people, and talking about the Holiday spirit - which is supposed - or so I hear - to make you feel warm and fuzzy all over and send good thoughts through the cosmos and bring everyone together - Amen. I for one struggle like hell (and I'm not the only one - if I look carefully around, there are more people trying to cope with this time of the year than there are who are actually enjoying it) to get through it - My ex-husband and I share the school holidays period over Christmas and New year's, and the kids are with him for about a week. During that period, I try to go away on vacation - which worked out fine last year when I escaped on a carribean cruise and had a wonderful, melancholy-free time - but this year, I had to take a trip in early November, not so long after by beau and I broke up, and did enjoy the time off, but in a state of mind that kept me from being "fully" there - if that makes any sense. I did get to meet lots of people, but in the end, I spent alot of time on my own and lots of time sleeping to the rythms of the ocean - and so I have to face the reality of my aversion for the Holiday period, all because it just makes me plain sad, and when I'm sad, I get self-destructive. I over-eat, over-drink, and put myself in all kinds of precarious situations - not good for a girl who usually takes good care of herself the rest of the year. So for all the single gals in the same situation - feeling painfully alone in this period - especially temporarily kidless single mums - Hang in there. Soon the kids will be back, friends will start calling again, and things will fall back into place - At least that's what I tell myself. My best wishes for 2009, and may the new year bring you peace and happiness - with a strong emphasis on PEACE.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Panick attack



There are many reasons why a person decides to blog - it's all over the Web, actually - everyone feels the need to display, to tell a story, to become a character in their own little recreation of their lives. I'm no exception. There is a need there to expose myself in public for reasons that still elude me - and are probably far less glamorous and intricate than I would like to think. My reasoning on the whole question is that I need to write, I simply have to, and to see myself through the eyes of strangers - even if they don't manifest themselves, I know that they're there and that perhaps someone, somewhere, will catch something that I didn't see, that I didn't want to reveal or in the least, will they just feed my need to justify my own insecurities. There is a comfort in thinking your own self-righteousness is being validated - every time you post something, another brick goes up - how convenient to build a wall around you, thick with words and justifications that no one can erase or prove wrong - how could they really, a text is a text and only belongs to its author - the reader can take it or shove it - it's indestructible in a way - oh, and if you don't believe me, please refer to the fine print - it's a wall so big and real it's available on the Web - and there for all to see just in case they didn't understand what you were/are all about.

I think my wall is just about to fall apart - Someone just might have seen right through it.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Ranking update

Case closed.
The lieutenant left a message on my voice mail yesterday morning saying "I'm sorry it took me 4 days to answer you, but I will pass for the dinner on Saturday. I like to do my own thing, follow my own instinct. If you need to talk to me, you know where to reach me", to which I replied via text message "all right, have it your way - not sure I understand but - be well."
Thinking about it later on and unhappy with our virtual communication process, and confused, I called him back later that evening.
-So, er, you decided not to come? I'm not too sure I understand your "instinct" bit...Are you all right?
His tone was very dry, and surprised that I was actually calling him.
-I just don't think it's appropriate. I want to keep things the way they are. I'm going to Montreal this weekend...it's an instinct thing, you know...
-Er...Ok! G'bye then!
-Goodbye.
Two things : 1) I have no idea what he's talking about, and 2) If he had no intention of coming in the first place, which I didn't think he would have anyway, but still, OR no interest whatsoever in yours truly, WHY oh God WHY did he make this storyline last this bloody long???? A simple "I'm busy, sorry" or "no thanks!" would have made things so much more simpler for me when I actually called him up to invite him over. This just confirms that I know absolutely nothing about men and that obviously, the silly girl that I am can't take a hint. Sue me for caring for somebody who doesn't give a shite.
After that call I deleted "Lieutenant" from my mobile contacts, disgusted at my whole reasonning process.
What the bloody hell is wrong with me?

Sunday, September 23, 2007

How to kiss a neighbor


Meet my neighbour, Arthur.


Arthur lives right next door to me. His front door stands about 15 feet away from mine, and once in a while, the postman will leave his Financial Post in my mailbox by mistake. Arthur almost never leaves his house; he works from home, and when he does go out, it's to go across the street to visit Frank & Cathy, the neighbours. Arthur is in his early 40's, and is very handsome, in a 'poète maudit' kind of way. I wouldn't say he's the strong silent type; I think he's more of a suffering silent and recluse type. A poor lonesome Swedish cowboy that wants to be left alone until he figures out where it is exactly he should be heading.


I started to talk to Arthur again not too long ago; I would say a few months, maybe six or seven, even though I've lived here for 2 years now. The first time I ever spoke to him was over the fence from our respective gardens. He was with his wife and I was with fuckface at the time. They were welcoming us to the neighbourhood and offering us cold beer on a hot June day. Fuckface and I had just moved in our new house and were getting acquainted with our new neighbours while the kids were trying out their new bikes. Happier times for Arthur and me.

At first I thought Arthur was one of those redneck Ontarians; didn't strike me as someone I want to put on the list of my favourite people. In the short period of time Fuckface was around, he managed to get into arguments with Arthur for reasons that elude me right now. All I know is I remember my boyfriend saying the neighbour was an asshole, and didn't make anything of it. Turns out, two years after, that Arthur is quite knowledgeable and funny. He has a sarcastic sense of humour, which I love. He doesn't get out much though, or at least he hasn't for the last 2 years anyway. Now, I know all this because I've invited him over a few times for a drink, or for barbecues over the summer. He even helped me out gut my upstairs bathroom when I decided to retile it. I wanted to do it on my own, you know, female power and all, but I hit a wall when it all came down to taking out the old tiles. I was stuck, couldn't do it alone, and was about to cry of despair when I thought of my nice (yet very quiet) neighbour Arthur. Sometimes, it's nice to have a man around the house (not necessarily IN the house, but you know, around it) Especially when you have to smash out a tile floor with a hammer. He was happy to help me, I was forever grateful, and we spent half a day in my tiny bathroom. We wore construction goggles that steamed up every 3 minutes; you can imagine how attractive that made us look. We cracked jokes about 'banging' all day, drank beer and played music really loud. It was a fun day.


Arthur and I both went through very dark periods in our lives at the same time. Two years ago, about two weeks after Fuckface abandoned me in the house we had just bought together to zoom back to England, Arthur's wife collapsed on her basement floor. Just like that. Without warning. Brain clot. She was 38. Now Arthur, who had only known one woman up until then, suddenly became a widower at 40. I can't imagine what he went through. The days that followed the death of Arthur's wife drove me a bit insane; even if I didn't know her very well, I could feel the grief of the family members that reunited in Arthur's house through the walls, and since my own mental state was not too good at the time, I did the only thing I could to save my life. I pretended I didn't know what happened in the house next door. It made me too sad. I couldn't handle more sadness, especially not one of gigantic proportions. Let's just say that on our street corner, at that time, there was a dark cloud hovering above both our houses. I eventually got over mine, but Arthur is still struggling.


Over the past few months, I got to know him better, and grew quite fond of him. I always had a thing for loveable tortured types. Last Friday, I bumped into him as I was taking out the recycling bins. We chatted a bit, and, what the hell, I invited him over to watch a movie later on, when the kids would be asleep. Bring some booze, I said, and a stupid movie. We can just get pissed and laugh at the TV. Sounds like a plan, I'll see you later then, he said.


At 9h30 he knocked on the door, with beer in one hand and School for scoundrels in the other. Perfect, I said. I'll make popcorn, you open the beer.We snuggled up on the couch, watched a bit of the movie, laughed at how bad it was, drank beer, and chatted a little. I talked about how difficult it was to meet sensitive men; he talked about how he had no idea about anything that had to do with dating. He's not ready, he said. He seemed terrified about the whole concept of being with somebody else. I wanted to hug him and to stroke his hair. I told him he should have no problem meeting someone new, he was so attractive, intelligent, and funny. (Attractive, intelligent, and funny....hum....) You know Arthur...I really want to kiss you right now. He looked at me for a few seconds, not too sure about what to answer. It's not a good idea, he said. We're neighbours. Oh, I said. Then we looked at each other for a while. Tell me again why it's not a good idea?

Friday, September 21, 2007

Defensive counter measures, part I

I've been meaning to write all week, in fact, since I came back from my week-end in Toronto, but didn't actually get around to it. I was too exhausted, occupied, and to be honest, couldn't be arsed to talk about things that I knew would take me a few days to digest properly. A lot has happened in the past few weeks on a personal level. I have been caught up in a whirlwind of non-stop daily chores that I imposed on myself to keep me from reveling in personal turmoil - nothing dramatic, really - just friendships and basic human relations issues that forced me to look at myself and how I choose to nurture my friendships - what I look for in a friend, how I choose to support and reciprocate said friendship (or not, for that matter) and how I react to being hurt by sometimes unsuspecting friends. Let me start by analyzing my Toronto experience.

My previous post stated my somewhat "platonic" friendship with Al, my supposedly gay NY pal. Well, it turns out this Bridges has no idea what she's talking about. This, to me, just confirms that I know absolutely nothing, nothing I tell ya, about MALES. Not only isn't Al gay, (just writing this makes me want to scream out BUT HE IS! HE IS!! I'm convinced he is!!!) But he hooked up with this "older woman" from the group, who lives in Montreal. Now...I'm upset about this - obviously, I'm writing about it - and shocked. I just don't understand why it has such an effect on me. I was never attracted to Al in that way - I'm certainly not jealous about the whole thing, that's not where it hurts - After all, I'm the one who left for NY and Toronto with the set idea that I was meeting up with my ambiguously gay friend - but I ask myself...maybe, just maybe, did I hope for him to turn to me and declare his undying love for me? (No, that's not it. I just wanna burst out laughing thinking about it) Did I wish for a true friendship with a male that doesn't stink of underlying sexual innuendos? Am I just ego-bruised that he hasn't tried to hook up with me? What the hell is wrong with me then?


All these existantial questions triggered the need to set up defensive counter measures undertaken to protect myself. I am hurt, don't know why yet but damn, I feel something and it's not pleasant - it leaves a bitter repulsive taste in my mouth - therefore I have to act upon it. I feel threatened. And stupid. I stopped answering his text messages and didn't return his calls, despite the "WHAT DID I DO? WHY ARE YOU MAD AT ME??? that has been flashing on my mobile for the past three days now. I ignore him. I play the offended biatch. I am cowardly and childishly walking away from a problem - obviously one that is forcing me to look at myself from up-close - too up-close, that is - to save my life. And I can't explain why I feel compelled to save it; I just run.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Honey pots & misplaced wrinkles

At least once every two years, a woman has to go through considerable hell to set up a necessary pilgrimage to the gynecologist's office. It's not the most pleasant of experiences, in more ways than one. First of all, in Quebec, gynecologists might as well be ghosts. Unfortunately for all of us here, gynecologists are one of many specialized health practitioners who are never available for consultation with their patients, unless you are a) pregnant, and even so you might be turned away; b) suffering from an illness that needs immediate attention, and even so you might be turned away; and c) a relative of said practitioner. Oh, there are a few hanging around; sure, you will find them in the yellow pages and yes, you will find a phone number where you can call their receptionists… but if you actually need to SEE one, say, for prevention purposes or general intentions of well-being, (you utopist fool) sorry dudette, but you will have to wait. This is what happened to me a few weeks ago.

-Bonjour Good morning bureau du Dr. Chose /Dr. So-and-so's office puis-je vous aider can I help you
-Yes, I would like to make an appointment with Dr. So-and-so, I -
-How far are you in your pregnancy?
-Oh, I'm not pregnant, I just need an annual PAP smear and prevention tests...you know... To see if everything is under control in the honey pot area -
- (big sigh of exasperation) We do not accept new patients unless you are 12 weeks pregnant… for follow-ups....you can call Dr. what's-her-face; she will give you an appointment. The number is......

Click.
Try again. Other call at Dr. What's-her-face, different bored overworked receptionist answers.

-Yes, I would like to make an appointment with Dr. What's-her-face for an annual check-up, I...
-Our soonest availability is in March 2009...Would you like me to put your name on the list?
-Er...I’m willing to pay…I just want to have an exam done!
-Sorry…March 2009 is the sooner we have. We might have a cancellation at some point though, but we follow our list of patients –
-How many people on the list, miss?
-Um…
-Never mind.

Click again. March 2009. Enough said.

I'm not even exaggerating. Ask any woman in need of a PAP smear in Quebec, they will all tell you the same thing: gynecologists have become a rare breed indeed. So what's a resourceful Canadian girl to do when the Quebec health care system simply doesn’t work? Well, simple. Hop in her car and drive for hours to jump the fence to Ontario, where gynecologists seem to accept your money and are therefore available for honey pot concerns that don't involve giving birth to another baby. Thank God for that.

So. Yesterday morning, I was on my way to small town Ontario, where a male gynecologist would help me achieve my goal of becoming the true health responsible woman that I am. (At least for today.) I have to say, I did not quite expect this in a gyno’s office.

The Dr.'s office is in a little bungalow, not too far from a reasonably sized regional hospital. The waiting room is furbished with nice leather couches and a big plasma screen. Big difference with public health service doctors where you have to wait on ordinary waiting room chairs. I talk to the receptionist, she tells me to have a seat, the Dr. will be right with me. I sit down and look around. A few artwork pieces representing pregnant woman are lying around. While I was waiting for the Dr. to call my name, a few glowing women with round bellies walked past, some of them alone, some of them with their partners. Anything but normal in a gynecologist's office. I stop looking around and pay attention to the plasma screen. An infomercial-type program was on; it seemed to be the only thing playing on it. On the infomercial, beautiful "older" women were talking about how good they were feeling now, and all of a sudden, video segment, before and after pictures, cue to the woman being lustily looked at in restaurants, at the office. She's happy, she's laughing, she had Botox injections and she's saying, hence the publicity slogan, that she did it "For three good reasons. Me, myself and I". I then noticed a huge cardboard sign in the back of the waiting room. Restylane...define yourself...in 10 by 4 panels...God...you couldn't avoid it...I caught myself looking in a little mirror I have in my purse. Wrinkles. All over my face. I was ghastly. All of a sudden I felt old, very old, and by the obvious looks of it, I needed to be facially depleted. It seemed so simple; an injection here, an injection there, take off years from your face, takes 15 minutes to do, who cares if it costs 350 dollars every 3 to 4 months and that it's made of BACTERIA; you can't put a price on female bliss, no? Every woman should do it, right? Injecting bacteria in your body is a good idea, right? Y’a rien là!

May I remind you that I am in a gynecologist's office, surrounded by pregnant women who are told to avoid everything but the kitchen sink (and I’m sure a soon-to-be published study will prove that indeed, the kitchen sink may cause harm to the unborn fetus) to protect the baby to come? Promoting cosmetology to women who are and will be going through the most body-deforming episode in a few months? Am I the only one who thinks these two "health" services don't quite fit together?

I snapped out of it when the smiling doctor called my name.

In the doctor's office I was quickly brought back to reality. A million things were going through my mind as I was laying on the table, feet in stirrups, trying to ignore the fact that some man I never met was scraping the inside of my cervix with a metal thingy whilst making small talk. Will I die of some new form of mutated STD? (Hypochondriac episode) Why is ovulation still so painful at 35? Why am I still irregular after giving birth twice? (PMS is brutal) Do I want to have my fallopian tube tied-up? (No way am I having another kid, shop is closed, thank you) Do I need to have my dislodged IUD removed? (Good memories. Smile to self) My labia minora was slightly torn because of an incompetent beautician a few weeks ago; still ouch. (That’ll teach me to have a Brazilian bikini wax done in some upper-class spa; go figure) Occasional unprotected sex…oops... (It happens) Oh my god, he's going to tell me how irresponsible I am with my honey pot!

Nope. Instead, he emerges from under the sheet, smiling. Everything seems normal; you will have your results in a few weeks, if anything comes up. Now, about those wrinkles on your forehead - did you know that I also offer cosmetology services - I could make those lines disappear in no time!

There's a fine line between taking care of female bits appropriately - and manipulating vulnerable women into thinking that they need to shed 350 $ to become “hot” again – I can imagine a convention of private enterprise male gynecologists, laughing it up – Listen guys! They have their legs spread out in the open and a metal stick up their &*?%; they’re bound to be attentive! We can push (pardon the pun) our new products in a very convincing manner…Sure - quite the new marketing-to-women twist, no? Pretty efficient, I have to say - your audience is quite captive - I mean - could we be more vulnerable than naked, legs wide-open and in stirrups with somebody scraping our cervix? Why don't you sell me a new car while you're at it dude - and why not - some lipo treatment, a cruise to the islands, new shoes for the kids - At this moment I would agree to whatever you're saying, I'm kinda at your mercy! And I don't like it!

I asked myself this question on the way back home.
Would a woman gynecologist have acted the same?

Monday, July 16, 2007

Unworn lingerie



Going through my closet recently, I paused for a moment to take out some beautiful lingerie that has just been lying there for, well, quite some time. Not that I don't wear any "normal" lingerie on a daily basis, I'm a girly-girl; I like my matching bras & panties thank you very much, but I sometimes buy more expensive, goal-oriented ensembles, just in case. For example, After my old boyfriend left to go back to England two years ago and decided to come back again three months later, I was so excited that I must have spent close to 400 $ worth of stuff at La Senza's to "prepare" for his return. I was planning on giving him good reasons not to leave again; unfortunately, that didn't turn out too well. The passion from our awaited reunion seemed to be watered-down by his own personal existential demise, which, as some of you already know, lead to his cowardly run-off a few weeks later. Oh well, his loss, my gain, and two years later, one of my favorite lingerie pieces, a black & soft pink bustier with matching g-string & garter belt, in a 40's retro style, is still hanging on its padded hanger, tags still on. Why am I not wearing it? Good question. You see, a woman needs to have an occasion to wear proper lingerie adapted for her "special" occasion; she needs to, well at least I need to, know in advance so she can get ready for it. Which lingerie to wear, which clothes to go over it, which stockings, which shoes, how far will I have to walk in those heels, how much further before these stay-ups stockings roll down my thighs, do I look like I'm uncomfortable because that sure is how I feel, all these questions have to be pondered upon before getting it on. (I'm talking about the lingerie here) Therefore, sometimes, the occasion never arises or is very much put on hold. You buy new lingerie, for new occasions, sometimes you wear them, sometimes you don't, and sometimes you just want to leave them hanging in your closet, secretly hoping a worthy occasion will arise sometime in the future. I love lingerie. And what I love most about it is the look in your man's eyes when he catches a peak through your unbuttoned blouse, feels a garter strap through the silky fabric of your skirt when his hands slowly caresses you; his cheeky smile when he knows you did this for him. I miss that. Setting the stage. Dressing up. God, it's been such a long time since I planned these things.


Now it's mostly about not starving to death; when you're hungry there is no need to set up the table, you just go to the fridge and pig out until you get your fill. Every woman knows that when she gets hungry, she tends to eat whatever she can get her hands on. I don't know about you, but hey, that's what's been happening to me for the last two years. No need to set up the table. A bit sad, really.


Meanwhile, I keep filling up my closet with lovely, sexy lingerie that I know will serve its purpose in the future :). And if not, then I will just have to organize a lingerie party where the girls get to wear all that new lingerie still gathering dust in their closets. We'll just have to make up our own audience!

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

What am I, a volunteer call girl?

A few weeks ago, I received an email from an old, shall we say, "flame". I didn't remember who he was at first; our last conversation had taken place over five years ago - so many things had happened in my life since then - his name rang a bell - wait a minute- oh yeah - hey! How are you??? He was basically poking around, checking out how I was, or where I was for that matter, since him & I were mostly "ships in the night" throughout our brief locationship; our dates always occured in Montreal, when I had to participate in some feminist literature seminar or he had to make a presentation at some management workshop. At the time, I was completing my Master's studies in creative writing at UQAM and he was a prominent Quebec public servant, always on the go, always in a hurry. Married with children, of course. You can say it; I'm not proud of it either. But so was I at the time. Hey, don't judge : that was that. People do what they can to save their lives. At the time, it seemed like a good idea.

So. There he is today, asking about me. He's courteous, cheeky. He makes me smile again, and even calls me on my mobile after I unawarily gave him my number. "Hey, are you in Montreal sometimes, I still do business over there once in a while, perhaps we can get together at some point?" Sure, why not, I say. I don't have any bad recollections of that guy, which means maybe I did have a good time with him? It's worth keeping on the back burner, I think to myself. Then, I completely forget about him, until he sends me an email today.


Hi Bridges


I will be in Montreal during the week of July 30th, will you be around?


Hum....a Monday...could work...the kids are on vacation with their father...will go down to Montreal on Sunday, spend the day & evening with Catherine & the girls, then perhaps an evening with Mr. blast from the past and drive back to Ottawa very early in the morning on Tuesday and show up for work at 9am. Feasable. So I tell him "I could be there on Monday if you make it worth my while", thinking, you know, going out on a date, nice restaurant, expensive wine, lovers reunited and all that fun stuff a girl likes to do.


He answers back.


Great! I will be with my son, I just have to drop him off at a soccer day camp and pick him up at four, so I will be available between noon and 3h30. He would find it quite strange for you to be there during the evening, no?


Oh. Guess he's still married then. Er...so...He expects me to drive from Ottawa to Montreal, just to spend 3 and some hours with him in the afternoon after we haven't seen each other in FIVE YEARS??? Let me think about it....No. Thank you. I have better things to do. Then it hits me. That's what I used to do....memory flashes...making myself available for emotionnaly unavailable men at their convenience...Hold it! Recollections of the past slap me in the face, and no, I'm not that girl anymore. I don't even need to be aggressive or offended about it. I just anwer back :


Gee - thanks but no thanks - Something came up, and I will stay in town after all.


Sorry!!


That was easy...his reply came quickly, saying "wow-you sure are a party pooper- it's true it would be more fun to spend an evening together (duh). I will give you a call some other time, ok?


Sure. Do that. Meanwhile, and for a quite a while now, this chick has been calling the shots, and she likes it. I didn't like to be treated like a schedule fluffer then, I don't stand for it now, nor do I make other people feel that way!


Even if it means staying single for the rest of my life. :)
UPDATE : July 16, 2007
Blast from the past :
Bridges - I just read your blog - OK I get it, you will never hear from me again!
ME : Er...ok...what did you get, exactly?

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Letter to Munich - Yes, you!


I thought alot about what you said to me in the car before I dropped you off in front of the Hard Rock Café. You know what Bridges - I haven't had so much fun in a long time. I will miss you. I answered back immediately: Neither have I, and I will miss you too. A polite and courteous way to respond to a handsome stranger who shows a genuine and straightforward interest in you and ackowledgment about his feelings - and yes, I could tell you were truthful because of the way you looked at me when you said it - you had been nothing but the night before - AND a man you know will never make love to you again. But the truth hits you when you don't expect it. I will not call, I will not write, I like you, but I'm not like my friend Huey - he falls in love like someone falls off a chair - let's be realistic here B. - this is it, this was it, it was great, I will always remember you, but that's how far this goes. Of course. I feel the same way H. - These could be my words, not yours, in fact I don't remember who cut the other one off first - I agree with you, I'm not even a tad tormented when I say IT'S OK; don't worry about it. I mean - what else are we going to do - exchange emails from Germany, Afghanistan, Cold Lake, insert any country or city where there is a military training base here - to Ottawa, Montreal or New-York? As opposed to you, who takes orders to determine where your next destination will be, I just follow my heart or my budget - whichever is the biggest at the time - and entertain the idea of a crazy made-up romance between the German soldier and the political interpreter? Yes, I'm making this sound romantic, I have to, it's my job, I'm writing a story, do you mind? Who would ever think that a strong, tough military guy who is supposed to be detached from his emotions would be so poignant with honesty and leave such a mark on silly little overly sarcastic me. Trust me - I can destroy my own romantic illusions quicker than the time it takes to say FAIRYTALE - and ridicule any glimpse of sentimentality emanating from my twisted self even before it forms and find a name for it in the psychology dictionnary ( Forget the reference books - I call it creative self-preservation) Perhaps it was the fact that we were both on our way back to somewhere else, or maybe that we had both been previously ravaged by hurtful relationship endings, go figure. Consequences to being truthful are minimal in this case, and yes, why not keep on with this truthful thing, after 5 weeks, I still do think of you, I know that you read me regularly even if you wouldn't admit to it, so I know that in a parallel world, you still think of me too.


To be honest, H...Who needs the one sky/one moon over both our heads nonsense when we have the internet. Here's my answer to your unbridaled romantic ending : When you read me, I can still see your eyes gazing into mine. In fact, I can see them right this second. And yes, my German cow-boy, I so wish you were here to hold me in those strong arms of yours. That was, to me, along with our eyes gazing into each other's soul, the best part of our chance meeting.


I don't love you either :)


Bridges

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Picking your friends

My friend S., who is about 10 years younger than me, gorgeous, spunky, quirky, funny, gets ALL the guys. I mean, all of them. They all want her, they all want to be with her, touch her, talk to her. She gets numerous phone calls throughout the day; she has men knocking on her door to see how she is; clients from the office "randomly" stopping by her desk. And yet, she says men are all assholes, that we shouldn't want/need any of them, because, you know, they suck. All of them, she says. Yet, she continues to smile, chat, and answer calls in a cheerful disposition.


I would really like to know what it feels like to see her side of things. You know, think, like her, that men really, really suck.


Perhaps I'm somewhat masochistic.


Monday, April 23, 2007

Missing apects of yourself

Blue Metropolis festival logo, Montreal, April 25-29

In the past few days, I noticed that I was getting a bit melancholic when I thought of my student life in Montreal, at UQAM. I miss all things literary; my teachers, especially Louise Dupré who is my "directrice de mémoire", but also all these women writers who attended the courses with me. I miss the university "milieu", I miss just "being there", that feeling of belonging, the sheer pleasure of a group of women discussing the aspects of creation. I feel very lonely here in Ottawa as a French writer-ess, and I really miss my girls! I have postponed my mémoire writing for close to three years now, doing very little and procrastinating more & more as time goes by, and I should, if everything goes well, deposit everything by the end of December of this year.


(AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGH!!! BRIDGES! BUT DECEMBER IS SO CLOSE!!! YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT!!!)


I know. Chances are I will blow the deadline. I have been working as a translator around 26 hours a week for a year now, in the hopes of having more time to work on my mémoire....but you know what; it's just not happening. I have many excuses, of course, but when I say them out loud whilst standing in front of a mirror, they just don't cut it. I know that I have been putting it aside wilfully because, well, I'm a bit lazy (Single-mother/translator/house owner, you know, you tend to be on your ass a lot) and to be honest, this distance between me and my work grows more distant every day, and it's very draining to get back into that mood again, especially whilst being so far away from university, colleagues, and incentives to keep working. No, instead, I have been writing, of course, how can I ever stop writing, but not what I should have been. I have to get back into it, and fast. Time is running out!


I need to be fed literary things; conversations, lectures, discussions...To be honest, I think I desperately need a mentor, somebody to kick Bridges' arse a little. Somebody to challenge me, to check up on me.


It's close to impossible being so far from my alma mater... This week, the Blue Metropolis festival is on in Montreal; it's my favourite lit event; activities go on in French and in English, and it suits me to a tee. I wish I were over there as we speak...

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Romancing the california stud-muffin, part II

The view from my balcony, the morning after


The second night we saw each other, neither of us had actually planned for. Well, at least, that's what I tell myself and whoever is willing to believe me. I woke up quite early in the morning, and went outside on the balcony to admire the beautiful, tranquil caribean sea. "This balcony was soooo worth it" I told my roommate. "It was! It was!" my roomate is from Prairie town, Kansas or something, and she has this Dorothy quality that made her look, well, a bit dumbstruk throughout the day. Sweet girl, really. So fresh off the farm in fact I think if I squeezed her hard enough in the right places she would actually squirt milk. 26, long, blond hair, virtually no make-up, pure as the driven snow (is there snow in Kansas? I think not.) and all the guys on the cruise were after her. To me, she was about as sensual as an Ottawa parkmeter; but then again, what do I know. She had guys all over her. Come to think of it, they were probably all fantasizing about deflowering the virgin Kansas child and have Dorothy scream out "there's no place like home!" Ok, enough of the wicked witch of the west attitude; I liked her, she was genuinely sweet. Gotta hate those prairie girls :)

So there, it was morning, I was on the balcony and loving every minute of it. The warm wind, the sound of the waves, the privacy (people couldn't see you from anywhere, unless they were in another ship crossing us). I could just imagine myself naked, laying on the mattress, feeling the motion of the ocean. "That's it" I told Dorothy. "I'm sleeping here tonight." I looked at the mattress, it was a single of course, and I mentally fitted it on the balcony. "Perfect" I thought. This will be a night to remember. Of course, I had a lusty little plan in mind. I had to lure my california stud-muffin back to my cabin.

The day went about on the ship and I didn't see him for the whole day. I almost forgot about him, there was about a hundred hunky men on that boat, especially crew men walking around in their uniforms, pardon my drool, but that night, at dinner, I saw him looking at me from accross the room. (ooooo pardon that romantic cliché...now, in a low-tone voice...Their eyes met accross the room...at that moment.... they knew....they knew...) I knew at that moment I just had to have him again. I couldn't help it; he was just so...so...edible! Must have been the carribean air. Or the rocking of the boat. Or maybe my lusty plan just got the better of me. You have to admit it; it was, indeed, a very good plan.

That night at the disco, we didn't dance for long. I saw my roommate Dorothy, surrounded by horny boys, gushing and smiling, having a good time, and decided this was the time to act. Quickly, I grabbed him by the hand, and took him out of there, to my cabin, and out on the balcony. "Make yourself useful sweetie" I told him, wanking the mattress out to the balcony, and throwing all the covers and the pillows in his face. He just looked at me and smiled. "So , I guess we're sleeping out there tonight!" "Not if I can help it!" I said, cheekily.

I don't know what it was, but let me tell you, this was the most fun I had in a long, long time. We both couldn't stop saying "wow...this is great...." my california lover was speechless : "what's the word for this....what's the word..." "R-O-M-A-N-T-I-C" I said. "You're right." he replied. "It's very romantic." Then, he held me in his arms. His skin was so warm. The moon was shining, the stars were as bright as ever, the waves were swooshing, the wind was caressing our naked bodies, and then, then, it happened.

He rolled over and started snoring like a freight train.

At that point, I thought it was cute. Even after I tried to wake him up by poking him, tickling him, crying out his name loudly, hitting him with the pillow. Nothing could wake him up. Oh well. I took one of the pillows and stuck it over his face. I checked on him periodically during the night to see if he was still breathing. I was smiling throughout the night. That just tells you the kind of mood I was in.
Plus, he was way too heavy to throw overboard.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Bridges kicked off the pedestal

Thought I'd share this with you.

Today, I left the office @ 12 h 30 in a rush, just in time to avoid making a complete fool of myself in front of all the weirdos who work there. (Yes, I know I'm part of them) I am having a bit of a nervous breakdown, to say the least. It hasn't happened to me in a while, but today, it hit. Hard.

A downer. A depressive wave.
Yeah, one of those.

Before collapsing in a pool of tears for no apparent reason, Bridges logged out her computer, walked diligently to her bosse's office, said she wasn't feeling well, and calmly walked out of there. In the elevator, down from the 5th to the first, through the opening doors, then rushing to her car. She drove back home like a mad woman, trying not to give in to the wave that was hitting her. Tears obstructed her view, but she knew the way pretty well. Plus, there was a whole box of kleenex next to her so she could wipe her snotty face. Disproportioned thoughts ran through her mind as she was zooming across the Champlain bridge : The gorgeous RCMP officer from Nova-Scotia she had snuggled to over the weekend who wasn't calling her back; her kids away for the whole week; her thesis that was left behind a few weeks ago; her crappy documents that revisors covered in red. And purple. And green. And him.

Mr. Fuckface.

As soon as she got home, Bridges ran upstairs, took the phone in her hands, jumped into bed and frantically dialed the number. What time is it in England now? She thought. Who cares. He'll pick up.

-Why did you leave - why are you such an idiot - why aren't you coming back - why don't you love me - WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY LOVE ME???

-I don't know-I don't know - I can't - I do love you - You're the greatest person in the world, I...

Bridges smashed the cordless phone against the wall in a fit of rage.

Then she cried for two whole hours, until she had to stop out of exhaustion. She then got painfully out of bed, still sobbing, then came down the stairs. Bridges sat in front of her computer and started writing. Anything, really. Anything to forget she had just made a fool out of herself, to...herself.

I wish somebody could make me some tea.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

In short, Valentine's day.

On my way to work this morning, I had to stop half-way. Due to a severe snow storm, still going on in the middle of the afternoon, it took me 20 minutes to accomplish a distance of approximately 30 feet. So I bailed. Screw this shit. I went to have breakfast at Dainty's and got to work 1 hour late. I'd rather spend 30 minutes in a lame restaurant than in my car, raging against God-all-mighty. I was late, but managed to still be in a relatively good mood.

Today is the 4th anniversary of my divorce. To me, Valentine's day has somewhat of a bittersweet taste. To be honest, it makes me sick. I hate these little tacky decorations from the dollar store, I hate heart-shaped chocolate boxes, I hate reruns of When Harry met Sally.

Four years ago. Freedom, ah, yes; freedom, oh, Lord oh Lord, what have I done.

To be honest, I'd rather live a love story than to write about it, and I'd rather write about a broken heart than to have one.

Happy V-day lovelies; may your day be filled with maraschino cherries and red silky underwear.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

The cyber-return of the prodigual ex-boyfriend

What do you do when, after spending one year crying and trying to get over the love of your life leaving you stranded in a house you both bought together, he calls you up one Monday afternoon to tell you "Nothing compares to you" and "I was never as happy as when I was with you?"

This ex-boyfriend is in England right now. He still owns half of the house we bought, renovated, and lived in together. He left me & my kids in it, on a whim, on a cold March morning last year, in a state of emergency to bugger off, to put it lightly. Of course, I was devastated, dumbstruck, and absolutely crushed. It took me close to a year to get over it. I made the most of it, learning to appreciate Ottawa, even though this city is hard to love. I made friends, contacts, I started off my career as a translator, establishing clients abroad, some in England, some in New-York, all the while working for a governmental Agency, here in Ottawa. I think I have strived through adversity, depression, and most of all, a profound sense of treason.

I got over it
I made it through

Like tons of people learning to cope with heartbreak
I recovered
And learned to armour my heart for this never to happen again


I have no desire to go through that again, as you can imagine. Nobody wants to relive the pain of a broken heart, especially if it's been broken by the same person, twice!

This person, this British guy that my friends and I affectionately called fuckface for a year, given the circumstances, called me up to tell me "Nobody understands me like you do" "everything is so bland without you" and all the things a broken-hearted woman longs to hear after a year of heartache. My guess is he was poking around to see if he still had a place to go....Trouble is, after one year, I've moved on, worked on myself, learned about the things that I don't want to go through again, what I am willing to do to make a relationship work...and came to the conclusion that I did everything I could to make this one work, and it didn't. Nothing I can do about it anymore, since the onus isn't on me anymore, and it hasn't been since Mr. fuckface decided to fuck-off. Period.

He sounded like he was still at the same point then when he left. What a waste of time.

Why is it that I am still troubled to hear him again?

Sunday, December 31, 2006

Do-over!!!

In a few hours, the new year will begin, and as the prospect of new beginnings suddenly seem possible, last year's bad vibes will get packed up along with the Christmas leftovers, never to be seen again, thank God.

This past year has been very difficult for me; 2006 was a year of abandonment, heartache, anger (oh how anger is energy-consuming....)solitude, major disapointments and tiredness (well, from all that anger!!!) It seems all my energy was used up to get over my broken heart, still very fragile and sore. But as I look back on the year that is just about to end, I also see that it's a year where I truly learned about coping with solitude and not dying from it, at the same time realising that doing everything on your own is a hell of a lot of work; caring for my children and making a comfortable and fun life for them; it's also the year where I met M. and K., two kindred spirits who washed up on the shores of Ottawa, a bit in a daze after living in London, Paris and St-Martin's. Their presence in this way too conservative town made me feel less alone and their friendship means a lot to me; my friend S. who cheers me up every chance she gets, hopefully this year I will be able to do the same for her; plus 2006 was the year my career as a translator really started to take off, if I play this right 2007 could be even better; I started to work on my novel again, and will be done sometime in 2007...I also saw Paris for the first time, and had the chance to meet Blue, a fellow translator and blogger who was kind enough to show me around her Paris and to be a friend, and reading her blog Eurostar Blues (you can find the link in my blogroll) cheered me up all year long; and for that I am thankful!

I think the trick is to look at the things that went right and not at the things that went wrong in 2006. This way we can all focus on positive instead of negative. Like Blue told me this past August : "Y'a toujours du positif dans le négatif!" (There's always positive in negative!)

So cheers to you, my friends, wherever you are tonight, I will raise my glass to you.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Recovering from heartbreak

Did you ever feel like you had accomplished everything you had planned for, and that you just didn't know what do to next? The number of possibilities that arise either in your head or bouncing off your friend's minds all seem like good ideas, but nothing really suits your fancy... Nothing grabs your attention...know what I mean? Lost, lost, you are lost...what to do next? Where to go? and most of with WHOM????

As you already know, I have been living here in Ottawa for a little over 18 months now, and I was happy for about ....hum...let me think...close to 3 months. Before my stupid English boyfriend bailed out on me & the kids to go back to his precious England without even asking me to go with him. But don't get me started on his case, I really don't feel like getting angry right about now. He's been gone over a year, and even though we still had limited contact through the phone and mostly email, over a year has passed (WOW where did the bloody time go) and that chapter should be closed, terminated, over and done with by now.

NEXT!!!! right?

It's pointless to get stuck in a moment you can't get out of...Agree? But then again, easier said than done. Stories of heartbreak...I'm sure everybody has at least one...Love is the most craved feeling and the most dreaded. Just thinking about icky dangerous beautiful LOOOOVE freaks me out...Actually, I think I'm still so sad and angry that my last relationship didn't work out the way I had hoped (Emotionally scorned women unite, please) that getting myself in the same situation AGAIN scares me half to death. But then again, I walk around life scared half to death most of the time anyway, it's just that...nobody can tell. I give out this image of a strongminded powerful able woman, which I am, don't get me wrong, I am a single mother, I raise two kids...I study, I'm a translator, a writer, a bitch-a lover-a sinner and a saint (Thank you Meredith Brooks but I could really get that lover and sinner thing going on if you know what I mean...Ottawa males are not very cooperative) but....Inside, I'm really just an insecure little girl who's waiting for her prince charming. Although at my age I'm hoping more for king charming. There. I said it. Trouble is, there seems to be a whole lot of creepy frogs out there. Please, somebody, shoot me now!!! I'm sick! I just had an attack of the cinderella syndrome!!! AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHH. But I'm so tired of having to do everything all by myself!!! WHERE is he??? Girls ! Please! Help me out!