Defensive counter measures, part I

I've been meaning to write all week, in fact, since I came back from my week-end in Toronto, but didn't actually get around to it. I was too exhausted, occupied, and to be honest, couldn't be arsed to talk about things that I knew would take me a few days to digest properly. A lot has happened in the past few weeks on a personal level. I have been caught up in a whirlwind of non-stop daily chores that I imposed on myself to keep me from reveling in personal turmoil - nothing dramatic, really - just friendships and basic human relations issues that forced me to look at myself and how I choose to nurture my friendships - what I look for in a friend, how I choose to support and reciprocate said friendship (or not, for that matter) and how I react to being hurt by sometimes unsuspecting friends. Let me start by analyzing my Toronto experience.

My previous post stated my somewhat "platonic" friendship with Al, my supposedly gay NY pal. Well, it turns out this Bridges has no idea what she's talking about. This, to me, just confirms that I know absolutely nothing, nothing I tell ya, about MALES. Not only isn't Al gay, (just writing this makes me want to scream out BUT HE IS! HE IS!! I'm convinced he is!!!) But he hooked up with this "older woman" from the group, who lives in Montreal. Now...I'm upset about this - obviously, I'm writing about it - and shocked. I just don't understand why it has such an effect on me. I was never attracted to Al in that way - I'm certainly not jealous about the whole thing, that's not where it hurts - After all, I'm the one who left for NY and Toronto with the set idea that I was meeting up with my ambiguously gay friend - but I ask myself...maybe, just maybe, did I hope for him to turn to me and declare his undying love for me? (No, that's not it. I just wanna burst out laughing thinking about it) Did I wish for a true friendship with a male that doesn't stink of underlying sexual innuendos? Am I just ego-bruised that he hasn't tried to hook up with me? What the hell is wrong with me then?

All these existantial questions triggered the need to set up defensive counter measures undertaken to protect myself. I am hurt, don't know why yet but damn, I feel something and it's not pleasant - it leaves a bitter repulsive taste in my mouth - therefore I have to act upon it. I feel threatened. And stupid. I stopped answering his text messages and didn't return his calls, despite the "WHAT DID I DO? WHY ARE YOU MAD AT ME??? that has been flashing on my mobile for the past three days now. I ignore him. I play the offended biatch. I am cowardly and childishly walking away from a problem - obviously one that is forcing me to look at myself from up-close - too up-close, that is - to save my life. And I can't explain why I feel compelled to save it; I just run.