Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Girls' heartaches, from Ottawa to Dubai

When you think you are the only one in pain, a friend reaches out to you and asks you for strength - the same strenght you are working very hard to find within your soul at the very moment - and, out of love, the only thing you can do is find whatever's left and send it away - in the hopes that it will return to sender - that's how love works.
Ottawa, November 2008
Girlfriend, sweet baby girl - I would tell you not to cry over such a fucking asshole but then again - you have to get it out of your system - so cry, scream, kick box, dance - do whatever it takes to get that nasty energy out of you. He's a bad apple - he will NEVER change, NEVER - so get that out of your pretty little head. YOU CAN'T FIX HIM GIRLFRIEND, ALL RIGHT??? what did you say to me last year....hum...you don't need another project...and what did I do??? I fell in love with a wonderful, fantastic man in the middle of a divorce, fucked up and battered - thinking that in the name of love I would make it all better and I would be loved in exchange - and now, after some joy, lots of sorrow and complications, ups & downs – it all just blew up in my face with "it's not you, it's me, I love you but it's not full - I need a few weeks, I need space” he was crying all the time, he was nasty to me a few times then called the next day to say he was sorry....I went to sleep on some nights wrapping myself in a cover, shivering and shaking, so I wouldn’t feel so vulnerable and lonely - you know the fucking drill - we broke up over last weekend, and still - he said to me he didn't want to lose me. I didn’t want to loose him either but he’s still walking away - FUCK THAT SHIT.
So - you, I - have a choice - we cry and torture ourselves thinking it will get better IT WON'T and we hope he will change HE WON'T and we hope that one day he will love us the way we want to be loved but as hard as it is to say it IT WON'T FUCKING HAPPEN Girlfriend - Letting go is the hardest part....but it's the part that fucking frees you, and I did it with fuckface (you remember fuckface, don't ya??), with anger, frustration, fear and the sharpest self-inflicted pain ever - this time with The Aussie I'm not even going to kick my ass - I'll just walk away - and bite the bullet - I'm going to keep busy and try to hide my pain with a smile, I’m told it works – my cousin J., who teaches social dancing in Ottawa invited me to salsa night on Saturday and I am more than happy to go and dance the pain away - she says I will have to beat interested men off with a stick - and if you think about it - it does sound good (the beating men with a stick part) and I will look for men who make me feel good about myself all over and who don’t ask me to wait, to understand, to walk away no come back no go I can’t but come back – I understand all right – I understand that I don’t understand and that is what makes me crazy.You have a choice, YOU have the power - PAIN or FREEDOM - and it is as black and white as this Girlfriend - this guy is pure POISON for you and if you don't act on it you will slowly die. Dying is not just about your heart stopping - you need light, positivism, security and PEACE. Do whatever you can to get those things, do it with a vengeance - you owe it to yourself because ain't no one gonna give it to you girl - let's talk soon - tell me when - I will be home all weekend with the kids and I will hook up my cam so we can see each other – Dubai won’t seem so far - so I'm there if you need me, tell me when.I miss you and I know that this growing up shit SUCKS BIG TIME - look at me, 36 and 2 kids and still going through the motions. I wonder sometimes why I'm not on fucking antidepressants like the rest of the mortals - maybe because I don't like to hang on to pain and want to get rid of it??? I send you this message from my quiet government office and I give you a big hug - hang in there Girlfriend - you're a survivor just like me, you just need a few more years of practice…

I love you babes
Your friend Bridges

1 people had something to say:

Blue said...

À part ça, comment ça va, chume de shoppe?